To Love
by chimingofthebells
Summary: Merlin x Gwen drabble. Arthur finds out about Merlin's hidden feelings for Guinevere.


Merlin x Gwen drabble, in which Arthur finds out about Merlin's feelings for Guinevere.

Suddenly Arthur flew at him, and he found himself pressed up against the wall with Arthur's hands digging into his shoulders, dangerously close to closing around Merlin's neck.

"Is it true?" Arthur seethed, cheeks a furious red, eyes bulging. "Do you love her?"

Merlin faltered, forcing himself to look Arthur straight in the eyes. He considered lying, insisting that no, he has no feelings whatsoever besides friendship towards the Queen, that this has all been a misunderstanding.

But he knew he couldn't. He could barely deny his feelings to himself, and now that his heart has been so dangerously exposed, he couldn't find the strength to lie.

Merlin pressed his lips together and nodded, tears springing into his eyes as he choked back a sob.

Arthur's grip tightened, moving closer to Merlin's neck.

"You've been planning to steal her away from me," Arthur accused, eyes wild. "You've been plotting, have you? Visiting her in the dead of night, ravishing her, touching her behind your king's back."

Merlin tried to shake his head, to say 'no, you've got this all wrong,' but Arthur's angry words cut him off.

"You've been lying and cheating this whole time," He snarled, "Here I thought you were my best friend, yet you go behind my back to lay your filthy hands on my wife–"

"My lord, it isn't like that!" Merlin choked out, tears streaming freely down his cheeks. "I've never touched her, she doesn't even know how I feel."

Arthur snorted. "I'm supposed to believe that?"

"Please," Merlin begged, "I love both of you too much to ever hurt you like that."

Arthur's grip remained tight, but his expression flickered. He stayed silent, so Merlin took that as a cue to continue.

"I've loved her since I came to Camelot, but my feelings were never returned. She loves you, Arthur, only you. She always has. I could never lay a hand on her seeing how devoted she is to you."

Arthur's eyes narrowed, but Merlin interrupted him, desperate to make his king understand. "You two are happy together. You are my best friends, I would never, ever want to ruin that. As long as you and Gwen are happy together, my heart doesn't matter."

Arthur's angry breathing slowed, as his eyes searched Merlin's expression carefully. Finally his grip slackened and released Merlin from the wall, though Merlin stayed slumped against it, breathing hard through the sobs.

"You've never touched her?" Arthur said carefully, and Merlin nodded.  
Arthur sighed.

"I'm sorry I attacked you," He said stiffly, "I suppose I can't blame you. Guinevere is lovely, after all."

Merlin avoided Arthur's gaze, bringing his fingers to his neck where bruises were starting to form from Arthur's grip.

"She is," Merlin agreed quietly. He shuddered through another bout of tears, then screwed his eyes shut. "I understand if you want me to leave Camelot. I can go back to Ealdor, and I don't have to be near Gwen again."

Arthur didn't reply, so Merlin chanced a glance up to see him looking at Merlin with a thoughtful expression.

"I don't want you to leave," He said finally. "You are still my closest friend. Though if you feel it would be best to go, it's your choice."

"No," Merlin said almost immediately, "It hurts being around her, but it would hurt even more to never see her again. I'll stay here, if you'll allow it, sire."

Arthur smiled slightly, though his brow remained wrinkled. "Isn't it painful to see her married to your best friend?"

Merlin shrugged. "I can see she's happy, and so are you. That's good enough for me."

Arthur smiles for real this time, almost pitying. "You're a good man, Merlin."

Merlin smiled brokenly. Tears were still streaming down his face, the ache in his chest still present, but it had lessened somewhat. "Thank you, sire."

They stood looking at each other, both at a loss for what to say, until finally Merlin excused himself with a bob of the head.

He fled Arthur's chambers and almost ran to Gaius', blinking the moisture from his eyes.

His heart lay in pieces in his chest, but he felt better now that Arthur knew. Now he could feel less treasonous every time his eyes lay on Guinevere, safe in the knowledge that Arthur knew and would not execute him.

Gaius' room was dark, the old physician's snores all that could be heard. Merlin crept quietly into his room and crawled into bed. He held himself and cried, of relief and of broken heart.

But Arthur and Gwen are happy together, Merlin reminded himself, so Merlin would do his best to be happy for them.


End file.
